


come on baby calm me down, youre the only one who knows how

by alwaysayes



Series: the wonder years [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Coming Out, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, self harm mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysayes/pseuds/alwaysayes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why would I be mad at you?” <br/>“Every time I relapsed when I was younger, the family would decide they didn’t want to pay for my therapy. And they would get mad. And it wasn’t good. Not a single family kept me for that long. I was always more scared of the aftermath of relapsing than the relapse itself. So I always hid it.”<br/>“Alex, I’m sorry. You need to get back home. Lafayette and Martha are probably looking for you.”<br/>“I know. And I’m scared to go back.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“What if they act the same way, John?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	come on baby calm me down, youre the only one who knows how

**Author's Note:**

> self harm mentions and a relapse mention ahead!! stay safe guys!!! <3
> 
> title from skeleton by the front bottoms

South Carolina and New York were two different places. Jane tried telling himself that every time she almost brought something up that would almost be frowned upon in Charleston.

She told herself that when a pretty Puerto-rican boy with deep eye bags sat next to her in Advanced World History in eighth grade.

It was the third day of school, and she had never taken much in about Alexander Hamilton, but in that moment she figured out more about him than she ever thought she would.

He was adopted. He worked too hard. His favorite band was Fall Out Boy. His shoes were secondhand and he had self harm scars.

She observed a lot of things in class that day.

Except, of course, the lesson on Octavian.

When she got home that night, she talked incessantly about the cute new kid who got off the bus at the same stop as her.

Her sisters laughed, five year old Mary and ten year old Martha. Eight year old Harry stayed quiet. Her dad smiled over at her.

-

Alex Hamilton melted. He sat next to Jane Laurens in AdvHis, and the second she looked over at him, he was gone.

He observed things about her.

She was watching and listening. to him, observing his movements as he talked in class, shifting in his desk.

He needed to finnd out everything about her. 

-

The first day of freshman year, the first thing Alex hears is a whoop from someone in the back of the room.

He turns around to see Jane, sitting criss cross and grinning.

“Alex Hamilton. Good day.” She laughed.

“Jane Laurens. Even better day.” He tried, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“You’re a mess, Alex.” She smiled. “Get some sleep for once.”

“Nah,” Alex yawned.

“You need sleep. Even geniuses sleep.”

“I guess. But I always have so much work to do. I can’t risk falling behind.”   
“Alex,” She murmured, her eyes going soft. “Take care of yourself. You need it too.”

“I guess. But I really have so much to do, I don’t have time for sleep.”

“Alex,” Her voice was harder this time. IT was almost like a command. “Take care of yourself.”   
“Yes ma’am.” He laughed, saluting her.

He sat in the back, next to her, passing notes the entire time the teacher was speaking.

-

Sophomore year was hard. APUSH was great. Jane was great. Alex was doing well.

There was something in the back of Jane’s mind the entire first semester, though. And it was gender. She was never the most feminine, it felt wrong. She was never really in between, but she felt more like she needed to be masculine to be herself.

She held it in until New Year’s Eve, when she had drank too much coffee and she was lying in Alex’s lap and everything was good.

They were at the Schuyler mansion, she and Alex had gotten their own rooms, for their friends’ house was magnificent in size and there were a million rooms in every hallway. She had knocked on Alex’s door, about four in the morning.

She was shaking.

Her skin had goosebumps.

She wasn’t cold.

“Alex.” She said, much like the first time she had spoken to him in eighth grade.

“J?” He asked, using her nickname.

“I have something really, really, important to tell you.” She had stammered.

“Yeah? What is it?” Alex’s tone was nervous, his voice pitching at the end of the words.

“I. I need you to not judge me when I say this. I can’t have you turn me down because of this. Even if you do, you’ll always be important to me.”   
“J, spit it out. I’m not gonna judge you.”

“I’m transgender. I”m a boy. I’m a he. I”m John. Not Jane. And I hope you still wanna be my friend, but-”

John was crying now, tears rolling down his face, and Alex wanted to hold him tight and promise him that there was nothing wrong with him.

“John. It’s alright.”   
His voice was grounding. It was a gravelly kind of comfort, rough and affirming, and John was so grateful to have him there, holding onto his arms.

“I’m a boy. I’m gay. I’m-”

“I get it. It’s alright, John. Calm down.”

“Please don’t tell my dad.”   
“I would never.” 

John was calming down, his sobs turning into quiet sighs as Alex pulled him closer.

“You’re still my best friend. Nothing’s gonna change that.”

-

Three months after that, Alex came to John. It was late. He still lived up the street from him. He was distraught.

He knocked on John’s window, the secret knock they had established in their freshman year.

John observed three things.

His eyes were red and puffy from crying.

His sleeves were pulled down to his fingertips.

He wasn’t looking him in the eye.

John hesitated before pulling him in, shushing him so he wouldn’t wake up his sister in the next room.

“J,” Alex had said. “I’m so sorry. I know I promised I would try to stop, but things got to me and-”

“Alex? What happened?” John was asking softly.

Alex fell against his chest and sobbed into the ratty t-shirt.

“I had to feel something. I was so, so numb. I was numb for so long I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to feel something, I’m so sorry.” 

“Alex, calm down.” John tenderly touched his arm.

Alex jerked it away.

“Do you want to take a shower really quick? Or do you want to wash your hands?” 

“Hands.”

THey had determined things that calmed him down early on in their friendship, mainly feeling water touching his skin.

John’s Things were warmth and being held.

It was a slow development for the two of them.

Alex washed his hands and soon the ice cold water had calmed him down, letting him breathe a little bit more.

He sat down on John’s bed.

“Alex, I need you to tell me what happened.” John said softly.

“I relapsed.”

“Alex,” John started.

“I know. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Why would I be mad at you?” 

“Every time I relapsed when I was younger, the family would decide they didn’t want to pay for my therapy. And they would get mad. And it wasn’t good. Not a single family kept me for that long. I was always more scared of the aftermath of relapsing than the relapse itself. So I always hid it.”

“Alex, I’m sorry. You need to get back home. Lafayette and Martha are probably looking for you.”

“I know. And I’m scared to go back.”

“Why?”

“What if they act the same way, John?”

“They won’t. I know Lafayette.”

“Okay… I’ll go. I’ll see you at school.”

With that, Alex slid out the window in John’s room.

John couldn’t fall back asleep after that.

-

It was the last day of his sophomore year. He was sitting in the old, dusty basement room they used for the GSA and was texting Alex.

**John:** honestly im so bored get here soon!

**Alex:** lmao im on my way!!!!!!! gwash was bein slow today

**John:** fine,,,,, i have doughnuts and we’re meeting today

**Alex:** chill by me. i’ll be there in 5

Alex walked into the classroom, pushing his scraggly hair behind his ears.

He and Lafayette were the last ones to get there, as usual, and Alex plopped down in the seat next to John.

“Morning!” He chirped.

John smiled back over at him.

“Okay, since everyone’s here let’s start. Anybody have any announcements?” Angelica asked.

“I do!” John piped up. “Well, it’s more of a question.” 

“Ask away.” Angelica grinned.

“Okay. Alex, ever since you sat next to me in History in eighth grade. I wanted to be your friend. Nearly three years later, I wanna be more. Alex Hamilton, will you go on a date with me?”

Alex’s jaw went slack.

“Oh my g-d. Holy shit. Yes.” 

John smiled and pulled Alex into a hug, cheering in hi head.

“Okay, since that’s the only reason we met this morning, I’m gonna let you guys roam or whatever. Remember, we have coffee and doughnuts. We donate the leftovers to homeless and women’s shelters, so don’t take more than you’ll eat.” Angelica said.

Eliza and Hercules pulled Alex aside.

“Alex! Aren’t you excited for your date? You’ve been pining after him for G-d knows how long.” Eliza was giddy for her best friend.

“Dude, you seriously have been pining since eighth grade. That’s pathetic as hell.” Hercules grinned.

“I know. I am simultaneously as nervous as I am excited and I lowkey wanna scream really loud? But I don’t at the same time.”

“Alex, that feeling is called an emotion that is not ambition.” Hercules pointed out helpfully.   
“How do I get rid of it?”

-

Alex and John were in John’s bed. They were lying there, fingers intertwined while John pressed sloppy kisses to Alex’s jaw.

“I love you a lot, you know?” He whispered.

“The wonder years at their finest.” Alex murmured back.

“That means I love you too.” He added.

“The wonder years.” John repeated.

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! a friendly note from ur author (im cora, by the way! nice to meet you!)  
> some of the things in this fic are ooc, but its because i'm honestly still trying to figure out the charcacterization of them! love you, stay safe!!


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